10 Months???

Sheesh why do I even have a blog??
I don't know any more.

The past year has been so short a time but it's felt a world away. I'm just about to go to my last IWA activity. Institute Women's Assosication.

Yeah, it's all over. It seems I always get the tail end of everything before it changes.
Choir with Mr A. My young Women's medallion, the Young Women's Program! My RA went home after the first semester, last year.

It was a fun year. I only really appriciated this past semester. (Gave me a calling. That's what I get for not going to it.) I've made a lot of really good friends. We're even thinking about having a secret meeting every Thursday still. We'll keep in touch but I don't think we should go against the First Presidency on this one. xD

I'm glad it's over actually. Gives me time to focus on my ward. I have a calling that I haven't really quite figured out just yet. The Bishop called me to be Compassionate Service Leader. I have a committee! (that I still need to get together) and I'm really excited for the stuff I have in my head that I want to do.

There's nothing huge planned because I have been busy. Busy looking busy, really. But we'll start off small and then go big, before the year is out. I'm glad IWA is over because the RS's (yeah there's two! lol) need to step it up and involve everyone in the ward. We need to have monthly activities. Not huge extravaganzas; just something that will help the girls get to know each other and make lasting friendships. Cause, isn't that what college is about? Part of it is just making friends so that when you feel like you're going to crash and burn, you have someone you can look to. Someone to lift you up.

I wish I had that. I have one friend that tells me I can talk him about anything, but girls gotta have girls to talk to too. I wish I had what Britt and Danni have. I wish I had it with Ashley. I feel so horrid about that. About not being there when she needed me to be. Part of it was my own fault. I was busy looking busy and on the stupid computer like I am now. And, honestly, another part was I had no idea when she needed me. She wouldn't tell me.
Did you know I have only ever seen my sister cry once? When I went home for Christmas last year. That was the first time since she was like seven that I had ever seen her cry.

I wish I knew how to talk to people better. I have such a way with words when It's coming from my hands. Just not my lips. It takes me forever to convince myself to just say something. I'm getting better. Gave my number to a guy I've been starting to like. :)

I know I have it in me. But I just don't know how to use it.

I'm just rambling now, there's really no plot rhyme or reason any more. Just my thoughts and feelings. This is really more a journal than anything else.

Was talking to Laura yesterday. She said she hasn't written anything except journal entries in six months. I've been writing something for close to that. HA. No, correction. Exactly or a more than that.

I am terrified. By school, by what my grades will be, whether or not I'm on track to be able to do anything with my life. I've only ever really had one plan. Go to college. Write to some missionaries. Meet a nice RM, date him, marry him, be a stay at home mom. How many have I done? Partially the first. Haven't actually sent out any of the second. I'm sacred of being alone, so I keep to myself.

If you can explain this to me I'll give you any ice cream of your choice. ;)

I don't know where I'm headed. I'm taking it a day at a time. Just one foot in front of the other. Had a good conversation with my Visiting Teachers. Krystal said that we don't have to get everything done all at once. We just need to take baby steps.
Line upon line. I wish I could. Am I too prideful? or do I not have enough humility? Why can't I ask for help? Why do I feel like I have to suffer through everything? Why can't I find that reliance on the Lord? I want to trust in Him, Lean on Him, but I don't really understand how to.

I'm so stubborn. I let myself fall through the cracks if I don't know how to do something. There's a song that expresses it well,
Are you scared of the end?
Are you scared to begin?
Are you scared of the start?
Do you think they'll break your heart?

To live when you feel like dying?
To laugh when you feel like crying?
To mend when you’re think you’re breaking
To strength when you know you’re shaking
To pray when your back's against the wall?

It's just fear after all...it's only fear after all.
The only fear is fear itself.

Great song by the way. Gets you thinking.

I wish I could learn to be more out going. I can be so socially awkward. I like to type or write out my words because it just comes so much easier when you can edit. You aren't afraid to write out your thoughts. If I'm alone I'll talk till my mouth is dry. If I'm in front of people I know, it's only slightly restricted. And the less I know someone the more I clam up.

My friend thinks I need a boy friend to de-stress life. HA! I don't know anyone enough to like them like that. He says I need to be more out going, kick 'em in the shin to get their attention.

Since when did I de-evolve to third grade?

*Sigh* I just need a friend. Someone I can talk to who won't mind talking about anything. What's on my mind, what should be, what's going on in my life. But then again, life get's busy. Life gets strained. Do I have time? Yes. Do I make time? No. I'll be honest.

I'm so glad I'm taking a Life and Career Planning Class next semester. Ugh. I need Christmas Break. I'm just too worn out.

I need tonight to. IWA is having our last activity. Breakfast for Dinner and White Elephant Presents. Nice ones. Not the creepy "who brought the plunger?" presents.
This is going to be fun.
See? I'm doing okay. Just need to talk myself out of my slumps.
LOVE YA ALL!! Till next time!
Cort!

New Beginnings

I cannot say enough how much I wish I had been there. To ball my eyes out. To hug her as tightly as I could. To tell her to her face that I loved her and I was so happy for her. To try and catch a tear or two from her eye. But I'm with her in spirit. I'm so excited for her I tell anyone I can. I've told countless people about this special day and how happy and excited I was. I re-read some of her words in her transition from her old life to this new one.

I remembered how sad she seemed. How angry at everything she seemed to be. Angry at herself, the world, and sometimes at family. She felt lost or at least that's what I felt through her.

Now, I'm not going to take credit. (If I didn't I'm pretty sure I would experience a very humbling catastrophe to bring myself back down) I never really understood why we did so much missionary work as members of the Church. I just helped almost blindly. Sharing my testimony halfheartedly. Until I actually started to think about the other person. Thinking about how much it would change their lives. How much peace they would find and how happy it would make them. I gave that method of trying to preach their ears off. I gave up trying so hard. I just became their friends. I loved them for who they were and not because I wanted to baptize them. (If they ended up doing it, that's just a bonus:))

No. Being baptized because you want it, isn't just a bonus. It's something you can hold onto. It's a guiding light and comfort that doesn't go away. If it does feel like it's fleeing it's because you are. I've come to know that it's not the Spirit that leaves when you are doing something you shouldn't. It's You. It's ME that leaves the Spirit behind. I love the Armor of God analogy. When you go into a bad place or situation "they" ask you to leave your Sword of the Spirit outside. And by the time you're stuck in the middle of it all, all your armor gone too. And you're right in line of enemy fire. Once your stuck, the good thing is, you can always find your way back. There is always a way to repent and get all your armor back. You're never past the point of no return.

Being baptized changes the way you feel. You have duty and a purpose. You feel needed and important. I wanted her to feel that. To feel how much love she could feel from our Father. How much He loved her and wanted her to come home to His kingdom. I talked with her for almost five years now. Mostly it was writing. But then we opened to each other (me more than her) and I was able to share my feelings and my beliefs. She came to live in Mesa for about six months during my senior year. She came to church and to mutual. She must've felt something. Because she started finding out for herself what she wanted and needed.

It takes a long time for seeds to grow. That's something I didn't figure out till I was much older. I love her so much. She's always been more than a cousin to me. A sister even.

I hope you continue to grow. I was born into it and I'm still learning. When you feel prompted follow those thoughts and feelings. The Lord will never steer you into a place that you don't belong. Keep the Spirit close. Tomorrow he'll be with you forever. He'll help you whenever you call on His name. He will never leave you comfortless. I love you so much. And I'm so happy for you.

Cortney

Going thru Junk

I found a very intersting poem in my files of paper that I brought with me to USU.

(I will admit now I'm not too happy about some of the the stuff I brought with me. I didn't grab the stuff I was still working on!! Grr.)

Anyway on to the poem. And don't worry about the emotions flying thru it. It was while ago.

Someone Like You

Some days I just wish

For my wings to Spread and Fly

But so many people look at me and wonder why?

They don’t see my life

My fake smile to get thru the day

Sure I have friends and I socialize

Sometimes I lived thru their lives

But I watch too many movies

I know too many lines

Too many Stories run thru my head

So much so I toss and turn in my bed

I need someone to help me

Someone to talk to about boys and school

Someone to joke with when the boss is being cruel

Someone to dry my tears

Someone to laugh with

Someone I can turn to when all I have is fears

I need a best friend more than you know

It’s not as apparent as the white of the snow

It may seem I’m on high ground from where you stand

But the grass is always greener than sand

I need a friend

The stories I write are all good and fun

But when I open my eyes the story is done

The creatures I’ve made have all gone away

I have my friend, my world no more

Life goes on as life must do

Friends move away

I get a new hairdo

Duos and Trios all in a line

Best Friends surround me

When will I have mine?

When will the sky stop falling down?

When will open my mouth and speak?

Will I ever be strong enough to wear the crown?

Why do I think so much? How can I stop the week?

I need someone to help me

Someone to talk to about boys and school

Someone to joke with when the boss is being cruel

Someone to dry my tears

Someone to laugh with

Someone I can turn to when all I have is fears

I need a best friend more than you know

It’s not as apparent as the white of the snow

It may seem I’m on high ground from where you stand

But the grass is always greener than sand

I need a friend

Life speeds by

Friends leave me alone

I’ve learned that too many times

I’ve closed my heart to those feelings of love

I’ve pulled away I can’t open up

I’ve shut the door but my heart won’t lock it

I need someone with the key to set me free

Someone much stronger than me

Someone to help me break down my wall

Someone to tell me I can have it all

Someone to talk to, to bond with, to share

Someone to save me from myself

I need someone to help me

Someone to talk to about boys and school

Someone to joke with when the boss is being cruel

You dry my tears

You laugh with me

I can turn to you when all I have is fears

I need a best friend more than you know

It’s not as apparent as the white of the snow

It may seem I’m on high ground from where you stand

But the grass is always greener than sand

I need a friend

Maybe someone like you.

Yeah!! I tried to rhyme!! woot! Try and sort of fall apart but. Yeah. It's moody. But that was then. THIS IS NOW!!

Christmas is coming!!! I'm soooo psyched!!!! Finals are looming and I feel like I'm drowning in the stress of it all. I've stopped struggling against it; now I'm just floating along. I will deal with it when it happens. I will do my best and study in the meantime.

Wish me luck!!

What...?

Stream of consciousness has now taken over. Random thoughts are just flooding my head.

I don't know why I feel like I'm falling. Maybe it's b/c I'm hungry? We haven't had dinner. Music plays through my head. The song I think I heard was Better as a Memory. Kenny Chesney. I get lost in music. Someone once said to get lost in music was the first symptom for schizophrenia. I don't know if they're right. I think I heard it on the bus from someone.

I feel shame. I feel like I'm failing. I thought I was ready for college. But it just seems like I was doomed from the start. I didn't know what I was getting into. I still don't. Why does my brain and heart refuse to process that I have to make some changes?? Why can't I get it? I'm going to be 19 on sunday! When am I going to grow up!? Why is it so dang fudging hard?!?!?

I;m falling apart.

Why can't I feel that anymore? Why can't I feel the light? Have I so desensitized myself? When I'm with others I can go to church I can be a good person. But when I'm alone...I feel like I'm going to fall. I've never felt so alone...

So far away...

I was always far away at home. Stupid obsession with the computer and games and stories.

What's happening to me?...

Cousins...

I try to *bounce* not block out *bounce* Ethan and Drew. *bounce* It's not nice to *bounce* ignore them.

Drew likes to bounce on the bed. -_- yeah.

^-^ Nah, I love being at Steve's house. The boys are so entertaining and I don't mind noise. I miss the kids back home. It's reminiscent of Joey and Kenzie. I've been doing a lot of Skype with the little kids and they love it. Mom and Dad like it too from what I can tell. xD

School is kicking me hard. I'm trying to keep up. I don't understand how I could be good in High School. Really good! and then just flop like a fish out of water at USU!! I am starting to loose confidence in myself.

Especially after I changed my major. Yep. I changed it. And now I gotta start over. sigh....

I'm finding it harder and harder to get stuff done. I'm working on getting a time table together. (yeah I know....Way too late for that, Cort.)

This weekend has been a wonderful relief and torture at the same time. Some of my teachers want assignments right after we get back from Thanksgiving break. I'm gonna fail college.

MEH!! Happy topics before I lose my audience! (um...what audience?) Shut it!

Moving on.....

I started making a mosaic on Thanksgiving at Rachel's mom's house. It was pretty fun cutting glass and finding the perfect stuff for my piece. Can't wait to get pics of it on here soon.

It's been a good vacation. Thanksgiving wasn't nearly as big or fun as back home but you have to adjust and go with what you're given. It's been strange living without my family. I'm finding out just how much I leaned on my family. How much I leaned on their strength and faith. I'm trying every single day to read and pray and go by priority. But I'm finding it harder and harder to do.

I'm scared to death. I feel like I'm losing myself. I'm losing interest in the things I used to have such a need for. I'm changing. For the better I hope. My challenges are new and so I need new techniques. It'll be hard to find those. /:( But I just need to turn to my source of light and strength. I miss having the priesthood in my home so much. I just got my home teachers' number and was going to call them but then the break started. I haven't met my home teachers. I finally met (formally) my visiting teachers. They're very nice. Jericha is a hoot and Ally's really sweet.

Gosh I miss you guys. I had to stay busy on Thanksgiving. I was having a blast with Ethan and Drew.

Music.....Oi

I'm so not liking this.

My neighbors are loud.

But that's because they are from the DR

The Dominican Republic. It's their culture to be loud and happy and party with friends and family.

I'm not too happy about the music. It's coming through the wall and some of it swears. I'm not liking that part at all.

I don't want to a huge deal about it AGAIN.

Several people complained about the volume and to make it short and not a issue, someone got very upset.

So here I sit instead of sleeping. Because they are enjoying their weekend. I don't mind the fact that they are having fun. It's just level of sound.

Oh.....bugger. I may get some sleep tonight. I don't know.

Why I Write

This is my world. I made it because I was scared of the one I was living in. I was scared…

I wrote stories so that I could leave the world I lived in behind. I didn’t want to know of the tragedies or the wars or the evil. I wanted to be at peace. But somehow peace equaled being alone.

I hate being alone.

So why did I crave it?

Ha…maybe the same reason we crave to bad things. We crave to quench that appetite for the things we don’t need. For things that can hurt us.

I wrote stories because I was in control. I could do whatever I wanted and keep bad from happening to me. Even tho bad things did happen to my characters I could still help them. I could be like God for lack of a better example. I could watch them grow and fix the personalities. They became real to me.

But I knew they weren’t. When I looked at my friend, my mind’s eye saw them there. But they were just… not there. I couldn’t see them bc they didn’t exist.

I was so concerned with the problems of the characters and my “friends” that I lost some of the best years of my life.

I could’ve spent time with my family. I could’ve played dolls with my sister. I could’ve been a better example.

I hate 2020 hindsight.

I don’t know what to do with my life.

I’m changing. I don’t know what I want to do…

Is it really my dream? To be a teacher? To write? To be with animals?

What is my dream?

I thought I knew.

I feel so lost.

*sigh*

I gotta stop staying up so late…

I'm trying to break it down.

I'm trying to be who I can be.

I went on an adventure today. Katherine and Perla went with me to the temple. They wore their church clothes and I wore jeans. I brought a blanket and we sat on the temple steps and just talked. We shared the blanket. It was really cold. We were able to look out over the city er town of Logan and the mountains beyond. They were so pretty.

We didn't stay long. We liked being warm and Perla needed to go to the library. On our way to the bus stop, we ran into some Spanish speaking sisters. They were just finishing up a baptism session. We got a ride to the library.

It was a fun library. Very cool kinda like a maze. I really liked it there. We then walked back to the transit center and got on the CVN to get back to the school.

But it turns out none of us can read very well. ^_^ We found out as we went further south that we were on the CVS route. We were then carted along on the bus all the way to Hyrum and back. It was fun nonetheless.

We did finally get back to the school and home. It was a really fun afternoon.

Before hand we had all gone to the church to clean the building. That was fun. Till i dropped a mobile trashcan on my foot. I seriously thought I broke my toe, but as of 11:45 pm, it is still white so it's not broken. :) Yea!! for no broken toes! I don't like braking things.

lol .....

I really hope I can figure this out...

I don't know what I really want to do. At least I'm not surprised about all this.

Someone did tell me that freshman change their minds about 2.7 times on average about their majors. Yeah, thanks Lyons, you're percentages make tons of sense. *rolls eyes*

Holy Cow!!!!

Soo...... I finished reading Sorcerers and Seers by Chris Heimerdinger. I absolutely loved it!!! Even though I was very much peeved by the story line. I did love it!!

So yeah Mom, you and I will talk!!

Okay so I read Chris's blog and he said we could email him if we had specific questions on the book.

WARNING WARNING SPOILER AHEAD SPOILER AHEAD WARNING WARNING

So here is my email that I sent to Chris Heimgerdinger.

Chris Heimerdinger;

You love nothing more than confusing your readers don’t you? You know, you put more questions on paper than answers and I think you may have angered some of your readers. I know I was upset with Meagan, Micah, Ryan, Pagag, and Josh and Hamira. You definitely have a knack for confusing people. There were times when I was reading that I was yelling at you for the unexpected twists. But hey, that’s why I keep reading. I must say that my favorite books are stillTower of Thunder and Kingdoms and Conquers. I know if I tried to ask all the questions swirling in my head, this email would be a lot longer and probably fry the memory of your inbox. So how about an overall question: Is Thorns of Glory going to give some answers behind all these things you keep mentioning? Like this random boy that Gid knows? And Apollus telling the reader to have faith and believe? And how the heck (or if at all) Pagag will find the rest of the group?

See? There I go with some questions. The point of this letter is not to yell at you or to bombard you with questions (which I have so far failed at) but to commend you for yet another brilliant piece of literature. They always have me coming back for more. For an author to make the characters so believable that they share the emotions and experiences with them is a great accomplishment. I have been trying to write myself, but I can’t seem to create characters that are different from me. It’s silly, but all my heroes so far are too much like me. I have been getting better but it has been difficult. I really enjoy how you can keep all the characters in check and keep them as individually distinct as possible. If I may embarrass my mother for a moment, hers and my favorite character would have to be Apollus. I love it when he sticks his foot in his mouth. I also love how you keep us guessing. There were only two incidents that I predicted happening in the book. But the rest was just one whip lash after another. Like Ryan’s unexpected trip home. I kept thinking “What?!.....What!?” But I’m okay now. Again, this is why I read books; to be surprised and entertained.

I also want to say that your film Passage to Zerehemlah was really neat! I loved the movie (and having Summer in it wasn’t bad either). When I found out you were writing a sequel to the book I was ecstatic. I am a sucker for sequels and probably too big of a fun of them. I am anxiously awaiting your next releases. Another question, will the sequel also be a movie? (I am trying to not ask questions, but they just keep coming.) I even got a few girls that are not members of the Church that want to see the movie. Maybe it’ll turn into part of a missionary experience. Fingers are crossed! Oh, and the soundtrack for the movie…I can’t get it out of my head. I’m constantly humming Sons of Fire or Whispered Visions. You’re really good. And I mean it. I sing in choir for institute and I used to for school. I love them! (Man! my descriptions are lame, but at least their straight forward.)

I’m half tempted to add smiley faces and lol. But for the sake of trying to sound like an adult here, I will refrain. Wow, random tangent. That’s probably my main weakeness when writing. I get off topic. I swear I used to have ADD as a kid.

But anyway, I digress. I will let you get back to your life and family. Just wanted to give you a shout out. Have fun at your book signings. If you hadn’t already signed my copy I’d go down to Ogden just to see you.

God Bless and Sustain,

Cortney Clawson

And I checked my email this morning to find his reply and I squealed!!

What a fun email! I loved it, and unfortunately, I love your frustration and questions and confusion. Is that cruel? Probably. But the truth is that all of your questions WILL be answered. Just be patient. (Like that'll ever happen.) And the wait will be worth it.

Thanks again.

Chris Heimerdinger

AHHHHHH!!!!!!

hehehehehe!!!!

So yeah I had a lot of fun listening and reading along to Sorcerers and Seers. It was amazing!!!!!!

ps idk what happened but try not to click on this. idk what will happen or where you will go. lol

Week One

Gosh, it feels like it's been a month. Today marks the first week being away from my family. Gee, morbid aren't we? I am holding out. No, I doing fine. I have finally gotten a schedule to follow so I won't get cabin fever. I have two more weeks to stick--have fun before school starts. I really am doing great. It's just the parts where I'm talking to myself or keeping the tv on to simulate family noise. I have started to leave the house more often. Rachel is letting me borrow their third car. Halelu!! once I find my way around the city or at least down town I'll do better. Jeff has opened his house to me but really he's not there either. It's the alone part that's making me go mad. *smiles big*

One thing that I should've jumped on sooner than just Friday night was keeping my scriptures close by. I am determined to stick to my schedule that gives me an hour of study time. (with my stats i should make it 3) but I'm am trying. That's the good part.

Monday was pretty good. I resurrected my blog ( HAHAHA!!! ) and little else. I figured out how to work the tv. Big accomplishment. *crowd silent and lone cough sounds*

Ok ...Tuesday I left the house and went for a nice walk down the Jordan. It's really pretty there. I even took the bike for a spin and I loved it. Wednesday I was kinda bummed. I didn't get to go on the super youth activity. Jeff had to go and get himself called as ward clerk ( so happy for him btw ) and I had to go and ride the Front Runner to Ogden so I couldn't go to Jackson Hole.

The moving-ness behind me. hehehe!!

BUT OGDEN WAS FRIGGIN' AMAZING!!!!! Ok so i get up early and get ready for Debbie, Rachel's mom, to come pick me up. then we head to the station in down town. Once we get the tickets, the boys, Ethan and Drew, are so hyped up to be on the train for the first time.

We go up the stairs to the Double Decker and the boys are super excited. Ethan kinda gets nervous but then we're off and they're pointing at all the stuff out the window and they're having a blast. We have to wait forever because the train ride itself lasts for like 45-50. ( I know AGONIZING!!! lol ) We get off the train and there is a museum of when the trains first came through this area just down the street from the unloading dock. It was pretty cool because a lot of their stuff in the museum is hands on and it's so great for kids. I got some pictures before my camera died on me but most of it is of the boys.

( Couldn't turn Pic was being stubborn )

All the fun train stuff was awesome. We even saw some trains we could climb on and Ethan kept sawing he was going to get hurt! He said, "If I get hurt you're paying for medical." I had to laugh. Because I couldn't imagine Mackenzie ( same age mind you ) saying the same thing.

During our little exploratory mission, Ethan groaned about being hungry. I was too because I was so excited about today I forgot to eat breakfast. So after we left the museum we headed down the main street. Boy did it remind me of an old western. Every other shop was an antiques place. We passed shop after shop the hunger in our stomachs getting louder with every closed sign on the cafe. As we passed the stores I noticed something very odd lining the street. Horses. There were a dozen horse statues everywhere. And they didn't look like regular horses either. They were painted all kinds of different colors. Some had designs of stripes and swirls but others had pictures. Ethan even found one across the street with a TRex painted on the side of the horse. It was pretty neat.

Finally we found some lunch at a Karen's Wild West Cafe. Let me tell you, they have some really awesome food. I almost couldn't eat all of it!! And for you who know me, that's saying something. *cheeky smile*

Time flew by as we walked around looking at the horses and trains that Debbie was wondering what time we had to head back. Thinking we missed the train was not good for us at the moment. So we ran. I had to carry Drew half the time because he just wouldn't walk any faster than his sagging pants would allow. He was good sport as we booked it for the train stop. Resting in the shade waiting for the train to come Debbie decided to check with someone in an important looking vest about when the train going back would be there. Not five minutes later an important looking vested person walks up and points to the train going Northbound and tells us that the train is heading back to Salt Lake. I had to laugh. Waiting usually helps instead of jumping to the nearest info desk.

Anywho....we made it back to Salt Lake and we were all exhausted. It wasn't until the coming back that I realized I had missed the Jackson Hole trip. But life goes on and to the patient gives it's fullest reward.

So patient I was. Then I went bike riding. I rode down the Jordan River Parkway on Thursday and it was pretty neat to see how green everything was. I know I know! How odd of her to say the place was green. Well to someone who only sees it when the rain comes and when the sun doesn't kill it before it grows, green is pretty. I liked the ride. I think I rode 5 miles that day. I rode from Steve's house down the Jordan Trail all the way to 17th S. If I had known to turn and keep riding east, I would've found Jeff's house.

Noted to self.

Friday was when it all came to me. I missed everybody. I also realized i hadn't read my scriptures. It hurt because I'd promised Dad I would. That's the day I realized I needed to get off my lazy toosh and get going on something. I made a plan. My schedule I was talking about it made. I set time aside for exploring or bike riding and time to read my scriptures. I had a plan finally. But it would have to wait till Monday because the next day I woke up at 10:47 am.

YIKES!!!

But Saturday was awesome. I got to leave the house. WOOT!! Rachel went school shopping for Ethan and Drew got chased around by yours truly. It was funny. He loves to go shopping and hold mommy's purse and Ethan hates shopping. But Ethan was a good sport. He actually enjoyed himself. And I got to see the outdoor mall!! It's so cool. I didn't know a mall could be outside. I really liked the set up and Rachel helped me figure out more places to go. After the shopping was finished we forgot that we forgot some things Steve wanted us to pick up. So we went to the store but the smells made us hungry. Darn you Smiths.

SOOOOO......we went to Blimpies for dinner!! We picked it up and brought it home. On the way back Rachel showed me Liberty park. Another place to go now noted in my head. It's got a pond for the ducks and a pool for people. hehehe. I will defiantly head there one of these days. Jeff was at our house when we got back and we all relaxed.

Then Jeff got a call about someone needing help moving in. I said yes despite the pretty clothes I was wearing. Luckily we grabbed my stuff to head to Jeff's for night so I had a change of clothes. There was a friend of Lauren's, a mission companion, that had just moved up from Tucson and went to their new house. But when they got there, it was a train wreck. It was a maze just to get to the front door. There was literally no way any of their things would be able to get into this house. Lauren offered up her shared garage and we all set off to Lauren's to unpack. Let me stop to say I really like Lauren's place. She shares with her room mates but MAN!! It's a really nice place.

All the family's stuff from the moving van was packed neatly in the garage and they left to return the moving truck before the sabbath. And what did we, Lauren, Jeff and I, do???

We went to see IRON MAN 2!!!!!!! It was AWESOME!!! I liked it. And hanging out with Lauren was great. She's such a cool person. We even got to see her today. After church service and after Lauren's church service we went to her house to eat dinner with her brother. He was really funny and we had a blast trying to figure out why the sweet potato looked like hicama.

Then we went on an exploratory mission for a good hiking spot. We went to Mont. Olympus!!! It was soooooooo big!! I had to take pictures and they laughed at me for doing so. They saw it was funny because they saw the Mont. all the time and didn't think much of it. But I know I will when I see it. It's so beautiful.

So yeah this past week has felt like a month and been full of really awesome highs and some secret lows. But I am doing better everyday.

Week Two here I come!!!!

WOW...Epic Fail....

Wow...that's all I can say. wow.

I am starting my blog back up. From where it was back in December. Man I fail! lol

The past week has felt like an eternity. During the week that is. I am living in Utah. Yes. Actually living in Utah. We set off for Texas on July 14th. It was a long drive. This drive consisted of lots of fighting when joey and Zach were sitting with each other, switching drivers, eating junk food, feeling sick, many bathroom breaks and a tire blow out at 80 mph. Yeah.

So it was Ashley's turn. I still had a wary mind when it comes to driving on the highway. I felt like I would do it wrong. Like I would inadvertently kill everyone on board. So were workings of my paranoid mind. It went well. Ashley did great! She didn't text the entire time she was driving. We're very proud of her. We had made it to New Mexico and were in the process of driving through that flat desert wasteland when the tire blew.

Now let me put this into perspective for ya.... When a car that big (aka Astro Chevy) gets a blow out at 80 mph they tend to tip and roll over! Someone was praying for us that day. (We did start the trip with a prayer so don:t think we didn't cover our bases before we left). Ashley kept the car straight and on all three of the wheels that were left and we made it to the side of the road. After keeping the kids from freaking out and checking the tire for damages, we found that the tire was in shreds! It was a mess of rubber and wire. It got angry with the high speeds and decided to mess with the car. The cover that houses the tire and the workings underneath it were a mess. There was a dent and every time the car turns even the slightest it squeals for mercy. The tire needed replacing. And it almost looked like we needed a replacement.

We did pack a spare!! But in order to reach it we had to take everything off the hitch and take the hitch off. We piled everything to the side of the road and helped Dad take the spare out from under the car. Rolling it over to the front passenger side we realized a horrible reality.

Even though we had a spare...we didn't have the spare to the van. We had the spare to the car. *sigh* We did a lot of phone tag that afternoon. We called friends from home to find the nearest numbers to call for help. Once we called the correct people we had nothing to do...but wait. We waited everyone abandoning the van for the wind the passing cars gave.

I am a very strange person so I decided why not have a little bit of fun in light of this scorching wait. I waved to some of the cars but Dad told me to stop signaling for help. Dejected, I sat on the back bumper with Ashley and noticed that a lot of the cars passing us were semis. Ashley pumped a fist in the air like a train conductor pulling on his whistle. A semi was passing just as she did and he honked his horn. We all laughed and Ashley did it again. More honks. A light bulb went off in our heads and we couldn't resist.

Soon we had the whole family out there on the side of the road ten miles from Las Cruces New Mexico pumping our fists in the air making the semi drivers pull their horns. We started off just doing it for fun. But then more and more started too. By the twelfth one or so we started to count. Soon it was twenty and even some cars honked their horns. Then it was thirty and forty and fifty! We loved it. It was the best way to kill time waiting for the tow truck. Around number sixty we had cars on the other side of the highway honking too! Both directions that could see us were doing it.

What, I know you asking, was our final score?? 111 semis, cars and motorcycles had honked and or waved to us before the second car came to drive the rest of us to the town. They dropped us (Me Ashley Brittany Zachary Joey and Mom) off at the Walmart to stay in the blessed AC to wait for the car to get fixed. We spent a total of about 4 and half hours in Las Cruces. We were going to be soooo late to the Meyers house!

And we were. Texas is boring. The drive through that desert wasteland is boring. We finally got there about 12 midnight AZ times and 2 am TX time. We were exhausted but the Meyers had stayed up waiting for us and were on some kind of sugar high. Surprisingly enough, the first thing we did at the Meyers was not sleep, but swim. They had a pretty decent swimming pool. About 4 ft deep and 15 ft across by 7 ft. It was pretty neat.

We did a lot of swimming and going to QT. lol David was always asking "You guys don't have a QT? Do you?" Hello!!!???? Doesn't everywhere??? Well maybe not in Ramah. (I swear, if your going like 45 mph and you blink you miss it) but that's another blog. The Meyers place was pretty cool and we were bummed to be leaving so quickly.

If the ride into Texas was horrible the ride away from Texas was excruciating!! If we had done the entire trip from TX to UT taking the same route we did it would've taken FOREVER!!! So we stopped by in the lovely uninhabited Ramah NM. They like the old way of life and the closest walmart or even grocery store is like 40 miles away. After staying the night we got up and headed out for Utah. It was a pretty drive and the Book on Tape helped a lot! BTW if you get the chance I highly recommend Gracling. It is a great book. Anyway we got in to Steve's house and crashed.

We later went to Lagoon!!!!! almost a week later and the stamp is still on my hand. It was great. I got to go on the wooden roller coaster. I was dieing inside! Part of me wanted to stop being a wimp and grow up and another thought i was going to DIE!!! I did it. But was psyching myself out the whole way up the first hill. When we plunged all the air was ripped from my lungs and I screamed after I got it back. It was so much fun!! I couldn't breathe! But it was fun. It was overall a good day at Lagoon. I finally went into the Terroride and Dracula's Mansion. I had been too scared the first time we went so I just plugged my ears and scrunched down in my seat. I didn't want anything to do with it. But it was OK for a haunted house. I got to go on the Bat!! my favorite ride of the roller coasters. Ashley's too. We were literally wiped out about 6 or 7 o'clock and had to head back to Steve's.

We did go up to Logan too for the kids to see the school. We got to sneak into the dorms and go up to my floor. It was pretty lame at first because I expected the walls to be...idk...a little better taken care of. I knew it was a dorm, but it was the girls dorm. I thought it would be a little better. But I do like that my room is right across the hall from the bathroom!! That was a pretty cool touch.

The kids were so happy for me. Time flew by and before I knew it Saturday was upon us. Brittany had been trying to keep a happy face when I finally broke down the night before but the dam broke. Sunday morning was a blur. Partly because I didn't have my contacts on and mostly because of the tears. Kenzy cried openly when she gave me her picture of herself in a pink frilly purse frame. Joey tried to hide it from me and be brave. Zach and I cried together. I even got my Dad to cry. I just told him flat out, Just cry you big baby. I will miss my Dad. I really will. I miss everybody. And I'm kinda mad at Ashley for not crying. Oh and Ash, I hope the note made sense. I was crying when I wrote it and my mind was a little mushed. I love you Ashley. I love you Mom. I promised you I'd post more and I'm keeping to it.

The past few days have been busy. Wait a second. Today's Monday? Yikes. Well....okay. Today was busy! lol On Sunday I went to church with Jeff and you wouldn't believe who I met there.
A Clawson!! Her name was Marilyn and she was Eldon's oldest child. I had no clue who Eldon was until she said Michael was his brother. Cool! There's one of Dad's cousins going to the same ward as Jeff. She wants to keep in touch and I thought that was pretty neat. Church was early in the morning (9am UT time but 8am AZ) and the rest of the day was making do with what was available.

I got to dust AND rearrange the LION KING room!!!! Okay so my Aunt Rachel has been a fan since Lion King came out and has tons of merchandise and collectors items. I got to rearrange the collection and it was pretty cool! I spent a few hours watching TV until Lauren called. She and Jeff were going to go to Temple Square and wanted to know if I wanted to come. I leaped at the chance because she mentioned seeing the conference center!! And to the garden on the ROOF!!! It was awesome!!! I got some pictures too and it was great!!

I woke up this morning after sleeping in to Maya licking my elbow. I don't remember what else I did but I remember checking my email cursing my self for doing so because it was still early and no one could've sent something that quick. So I checked other stuff and to my regret at announcing I read some stories. Well it was one story but like four chapters of it. My biological clock screamed at me that I had forgotten breakfast and lunch was fast approaching. I left the computer to find one of my stuff animals in the hallway. The boys were at their grama's house and I freaked out. I ran up stairs and my Simba doll (that's almost 16 years old by the way) and my cabbage patch doll (who is nearly 17!) were out in the dirt with the dogs.

I got so mad. Mad at the dogs but mostly mad at myself for leaving the door open and being stupid on the computer. After I cleaned them up I stayed upstairs the rest of the day. I shut all the doors and watched some TV till Steve came home. So yeah I accomplished a lot of watching tv. Then I got really bored so I dressed and left the house. For two hours I wandered down the Jordan River and had such a good time. It was peaceful and relaxing to be roaming without a schedule. I loved it. I think I'll make it a regular thing to do.

So I sit here typing this out so I wouldn't forget. I had planning this all morning after doing some school work on the computer this morning. THAT'S WHAT i WAS DOING!!! lol
Oi. Thanks Mom. I really needed to do this.
TTYL Redd out.

Gettin started All Over Again

I forgot my email and sign in and all that jazz. I feel sad that I can't get back onto that blog. *tear falls from face* Oh well.
Trying to find scholarships is really hard! I'm trying to also get a job and no one will hire me. I think it's because I leave the past jobs spot empty. I've never had a job so I can't really tell them what jobs I held! lol.
New News!!
I am eighteen!!! Wow time goes really fast. A week before my birthday I went to the Zoo to volunteer. I got picked up by my dad and he said we have to go get my aunt and take her to Target. I was tired so I went along with it. She came with us and as we were walking, I noticed that my uncle had a camera and was pointing it at me and my aunt. I was confused but thought nothing of it, becuase when I do ask I never really get an answer that means a good thing. So I left it alone.
We kept walking all the while my aunt was asking me about what I wanted for my birthday, when some guy in a red hoodie with sunglasses grabbed my hand and said, "Hey red head, what's your name? What'cha doing tonight?"
When the last question left "his" mouth I knew who it was. It was my cousin Laura!! I attacked her squealling like a stuck pig (well not exactly, because stuck pigs sound really sad and heartbreaking).
She had come down to visit for my birthday!! Now I knew why everyone was all teasing me saying "I know what your present is but I'm not gonna tell you!! You're gonna love it!!"
We went over to my aunt's house and Laura went into my other little cousin's room to unpack her things.
She called for my help and I came in scowling at her for laughing at my attacking her in a store.
For a second or two I looked at her than the bed and dresser to find all kinds of things scattered on the bed. It took me a few more seconds to put together that the bedroom looked like mine had when we were unpacking from the remodel of our home.
"You moved in?!" I squealed. Again screaming and jumping up and down and hugging ensued.
That was one heck of an amazing Bday present. Laura moved in to my aunt and uncles appartment and soon they will move into thier new house!
I was very happy.



Thursday, June 18, 2009

Youtube Rocks!!!
Well I feel like a total nerd. I went to see X Men Origins Wolverine with my cousin Laura. It was amazing by the way! I loved it. So she and I got on youtube after we got back and she introduced me into the 80's version of the XMen cartoons. It was wierd so we looked up the XMen Evolution cartoon. I am sorry to anounce that I am hooked so far. I did the same thing to Ninja Turtles after I saw the 2007 TMNT movie. roflol at myself. Maybe someday I'll grow up and move on, but this is way too much fun.So here I am at eleven o'clock at night still waiting for the stupid youtube video to load so my head can continue to pound and I can be entertained by all the wierd characters with impossible powers."I'm wierd and sensitve."-Chandler, Friends. oh my gosh. I just looked over at the TV.I'm turning into DiNozo. (movie junkie from NCIS)Holy cow. Well this is short. I'm tired good night. (sorry i lied. It's only 9:00)
Posted by Future Zoo Veterinarian at 9:00 PM 0 comments
Labels: cartoons addicted tired
Monday, June 8, 2009

Halelujah Missionaries
I have this friend who I would never have suspected for would be interested in learning about the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. Lo and behold, she invited me to go with her and some sister missionaries to the Visitors Center on Wednesday!!! I'm so excited. I'm so happy for her. She lives with her mom and her parents are divorced and she has a ton of friends that are bad influences.Sorry getting a head of myself. My friend is Calista. She and I met in a AA English class in tenth grade. We became fast friends because she was very friendly and she liked the way I acted.Over the next year we had many MANY religious topics at our lunch table and we'd even talk about politics (We were only 15 go figure). She and I would write together and she'd draw pictures and I'd laugh at the silly nonsense we'd talk about. It was a great time.But she would swear and talk vulgarly and sometimes I had to leave the table. I started thinking bad things and washed my mind every day. I started to think like her. I was wrong to ever try and change her. I was soooo wrong. But we still stayed friends as she took my beliefs and value seriously.Towards the end of our Jr. year she mentioned having sister missionaries at her house. I was shocked at first. She was never really religious even in her own faith. But I then became so happy. I was excited that she was learning something about our Church. She is one of my best friends who didn't leave me because we believe different things.I got an email yesterday that asked if I would like to go the Visitor's Center at the Mesa AZ temple, with her and the missionaries. I was like YES I WILL!!!! I am so excited!!! AND I will be bringing my cousin Laura who hasn't been to church since she was ten. I hope someone will be sparked on Wednesday. I really do. I will still love both of them if nothing happens. I have learned the hard way that you shouldn't have friends with an agenda.
Posted by Future Zoo Veterinarian at 8:47 AM 0 comments
Thursday, June 4, 2009

Yeah A Blog!!
I felt left out so I decided what the hey, this might not be such a bad idea to get myself a blog.So yeah...I've been cruising some other blogs. Found a few that are really REALLY cool.I am currently reading (for the fourth time in a row) Zizou Corder's Lionboy. I've been looking at their blog a nearly jumped through the roof when she said they were doing to make the film!!It's going to be absolutely amazing!!Anywho. Life goes on and we keep going through our day sorta blindly. Some make it fun and short and live life being happy and some make it slow and long and wish they coulda shoulda and woulda all the day long. *Schpiele is blamed on Brockmiere. creative writing teacher from Mesa High.* lol.My mom found the most interesting amazing books at the library. It's called the Sisters Grim. It's a series (still under construction dang it!) about the last descendants of the Brothers Grim that wrote all the fairy tales from Cinderella to the Three Little Pigs, and how they are two sisters who have moved to a new town with their long lost grandmother to find out all those stories are true. Very funny book. Mysteries are so fun to read and (for us lucky lazy folks) to listen to.I miss reading. I've been spending so much time on the Internet at the FanFiction.net and FicitonPress.net sites that I forgot all about the good wholesome "real" books (as my mom calls them) that faithful authors worked their butts off to make and go through the torture of finding a publisher. (As you can see I've given this a lot of thought)My cousin Laura has been going through the same predicament. She has been trying to get her novels published for a long time now. She has some amazing ideas and I'm surprised no one has taken her up on her offers. Oh well, that's the cruel world we live in these days.Speaking of cruelty, I still have one more year of high school left before I can study for my dream to come true. Being a Zoo Veterinarian. Just finished my Jr. year and am ecstatic about the summer finally starting.To start off the summer with a bang! I went down to Benson to help my sister help babysit and clean my aunts house. The day after school we headed out and I didn't get back till the following Friday. A whole week in the clean air and dirt covered yard. It was good but it's better to be home.I'm so excited. My cousin Laura is coming down for my aunt's wedding!! Which reminds me she gets in on Tuesday. She'll be here for a week. It's going to be amazing.Some days I wish something amazing would happen to me. But I keep looking for something big when I should be looking for the small miracles in my life.Well I think that's enough from me. I'll be back tomorrow. ttyl.Redd's out.