New Beginnings

I cannot say enough how much I wish I had been there. To ball my eyes out. To hug her as tightly as I could. To tell her to her face that I loved her and I was so happy for her. To try and catch a tear or two from her eye. But I'm with her in spirit. I'm so excited for her I tell anyone I can. I've told countless people about this special day and how happy and excited I was. I re-read some of her words in her transition from her old life to this new one.

I remembered how sad she seemed. How angry at everything she seemed to be. Angry at herself, the world, and sometimes at family. She felt lost or at least that's what I felt through her.

Now, I'm not going to take credit. (If I didn't I'm pretty sure I would experience a very humbling catastrophe to bring myself back down) I never really understood why we did so much missionary work as members of the Church. I just helped almost blindly. Sharing my testimony halfheartedly. Until I actually started to think about the other person. Thinking about how much it would change their lives. How much peace they would find and how happy it would make them. I gave that method of trying to preach their ears off. I gave up trying so hard. I just became their friends. I loved them for who they were and not because I wanted to baptize them. (If they ended up doing it, that's just a bonus:))

No. Being baptized because you want it, isn't just a bonus. It's something you can hold onto. It's a guiding light and comfort that doesn't go away. If it does feel like it's fleeing it's because you are. I've come to know that it's not the Spirit that leaves when you are doing something you shouldn't. It's You. It's ME that leaves the Spirit behind. I love the Armor of God analogy. When you go into a bad place or situation "they" ask you to leave your Sword of the Spirit outside. And by the time you're stuck in the middle of it all, all your armor gone too. And you're right in line of enemy fire. Once your stuck, the good thing is, you can always find your way back. There is always a way to repent and get all your armor back. You're never past the point of no return.

Being baptized changes the way you feel. You have duty and a purpose. You feel needed and important. I wanted her to feel that. To feel how much love she could feel from our Father. How much He loved her and wanted her to come home to His kingdom. I talked with her for almost five years now. Mostly it was writing. But then we opened to each other (me more than her) and I was able to share my feelings and my beliefs. She came to live in Mesa for about six months during my senior year. She came to church and to mutual. She must've felt something. Because she started finding out for herself what she wanted and needed.

It takes a long time for seeds to grow. That's something I didn't figure out till I was much older. I love her so much. She's always been more than a cousin to me. A sister even.

I hope you continue to grow. I was born into it and I'm still learning. When you feel prompted follow those thoughts and feelings. The Lord will never steer you into a place that you don't belong. Keep the Spirit close. Tomorrow he'll be with you forever. He'll help you whenever you call on His name. He will never leave you comfortless. I love you so much. And I'm so happy for you.

Cortney

Going thru Junk

I found a very intersting poem in my files of paper that I brought with me to USU.

(I will admit now I'm not too happy about some of the the stuff I brought with me. I didn't grab the stuff I was still working on!! Grr.)

Anyway on to the poem. And don't worry about the emotions flying thru it. It was while ago.

Someone Like You

Some days I just wish

For my wings to Spread and Fly

But so many people look at me and wonder why?

They don’t see my life

My fake smile to get thru the day

Sure I have friends and I socialize

Sometimes I lived thru their lives

But I watch too many movies

I know too many lines

Too many Stories run thru my head

So much so I toss and turn in my bed

I need someone to help me

Someone to talk to about boys and school

Someone to joke with when the boss is being cruel

Someone to dry my tears

Someone to laugh with

Someone I can turn to when all I have is fears

I need a best friend more than you know

It’s not as apparent as the white of the snow

It may seem I’m on high ground from where you stand

But the grass is always greener than sand

I need a friend

The stories I write are all good and fun

But when I open my eyes the story is done

The creatures I’ve made have all gone away

I have my friend, my world no more

Life goes on as life must do

Friends move away

I get a new hairdo

Duos and Trios all in a line

Best Friends surround me

When will I have mine?

When will the sky stop falling down?

When will open my mouth and speak?

Will I ever be strong enough to wear the crown?

Why do I think so much? How can I stop the week?

I need someone to help me

Someone to talk to about boys and school

Someone to joke with when the boss is being cruel

Someone to dry my tears

Someone to laugh with

Someone I can turn to when all I have is fears

I need a best friend more than you know

It’s not as apparent as the white of the snow

It may seem I’m on high ground from where you stand

But the grass is always greener than sand

I need a friend

Life speeds by

Friends leave me alone

I’ve learned that too many times

I’ve closed my heart to those feelings of love

I’ve pulled away I can’t open up

I’ve shut the door but my heart won’t lock it

I need someone with the key to set me free

Someone much stronger than me

Someone to help me break down my wall

Someone to tell me I can have it all

Someone to talk to, to bond with, to share

Someone to save me from myself

I need someone to help me

Someone to talk to about boys and school

Someone to joke with when the boss is being cruel

You dry my tears

You laugh with me

I can turn to you when all I have is fears

I need a best friend more than you know

It’s not as apparent as the white of the snow

It may seem I’m on high ground from where you stand

But the grass is always greener than sand

I need a friend

Maybe someone like you.

Yeah!! I tried to rhyme!! woot! Try and sort of fall apart but. Yeah. It's moody. But that was then. THIS IS NOW!!

Christmas is coming!!! I'm soooo psyched!!!! Finals are looming and I feel like I'm drowning in the stress of it all. I've stopped struggling against it; now I'm just floating along. I will deal with it when it happens. I will do my best and study in the meantime.

Wish me luck!!

What...?

Stream of consciousness has now taken over. Random thoughts are just flooding my head.

I don't know why I feel like I'm falling. Maybe it's b/c I'm hungry? We haven't had dinner. Music plays through my head. The song I think I heard was Better as a Memory. Kenny Chesney. I get lost in music. Someone once said to get lost in music was the first symptom for schizophrenia. I don't know if they're right. I think I heard it on the bus from someone.

I feel shame. I feel like I'm failing. I thought I was ready for college. But it just seems like I was doomed from the start. I didn't know what I was getting into. I still don't. Why does my brain and heart refuse to process that I have to make some changes?? Why can't I get it? I'm going to be 19 on sunday! When am I going to grow up!? Why is it so dang fudging hard?!?!?

I;m falling apart.

Why can't I feel that anymore? Why can't I feel the light? Have I so desensitized myself? When I'm with others I can go to church I can be a good person. But when I'm alone...I feel like I'm going to fall. I've never felt so alone...

So far away...

I was always far away at home. Stupid obsession with the computer and games and stories.

What's happening to me?...

Cousins...

I try to *bounce* not block out *bounce* Ethan and Drew. *bounce* It's not nice to *bounce* ignore them.

Drew likes to bounce on the bed. -_- yeah.

^-^ Nah, I love being at Steve's house. The boys are so entertaining and I don't mind noise. I miss the kids back home. It's reminiscent of Joey and Kenzie. I've been doing a lot of Skype with the little kids and they love it. Mom and Dad like it too from what I can tell. xD

School is kicking me hard. I'm trying to keep up. I don't understand how I could be good in High School. Really good! and then just flop like a fish out of water at USU!! I am starting to loose confidence in myself.

Especially after I changed my major. Yep. I changed it. And now I gotta start over. sigh....

I'm finding it harder and harder to get stuff done. I'm working on getting a time table together. (yeah I know....Way too late for that, Cort.)

This weekend has been a wonderful relief and torture at the same time. Some of my teachers want assignments right after we get back from Thanksgiving break. I'm gonna fail college.

MEH!! Happy topics before I lose my audience! (um...what audience?) Shut it!

Moving on.....

I started making a mosaic on Thanksgiving at Rachel's mom's house. It was pretty fun cutting glass and finding the perfect stuff for my piece. Can't wait to get pics of it on here soon.

It's been a good vacation. Thanksgiving wasn't nearly as big or fun as back home but you have to adjust and go with what you're given. It's been strange living without my family. I'm finding out just how much I leaned on my family. How much I leaned on their strength and faith. I'm trying every single day to read and pray and go by priority. But I'm finding it harder and harder to do.

I'm scared to death. I feel like I'm losing myself. I'm losing interest in the things I used to have such a need for. I'm changing. For the better I hope. My challenges are new and so I need new techniques. It'll be hard to find those. /:( But I just need to turn to my source of light and strength. I miss having the priesthood in my home so much. I just got my home teachers' number and was going to call them but then the break started. I haven't met my home teachers. I finally met (formally) my visiting teachers. They're very nice. Jericha is a hoot and Ally's really sweet.

Gosh I miss you guys. I had to stay busy on Thanksgiving. I was having a blast with Ethan and Drew.

Music.....Oi

I'm so not liking this.

My neighbors are loud.

But that's because they are from the DR

The Dominican Republic. It's their culture to be loud and happy and party with friends and family.

I'm not too happy about the music. It's coming through the wall and some of it swears. I'm not liking that part at all.

I don't want to a huge deal about it AGAIN.

Several people complained about the volume and to make it short and not a issue, someone got very upset.

So here I sit instead of sleeping. Because they are enjoying their weekend. I don't mind the fact that they are having fun. It's just level of sound.

Oh.....bugger. I may get some sleep tonight. I don't know.

Why I Write

This is my world. I made it because I was scared of the one I was living in. I was scared…

I wrote stories so that I could leave the world I lived in behind. I didn’t want to know of the tragedies or the wars or the evil. I wanted to be at peace. But somehow peace equaled being alone.

I hate being alone.

So why did I crave it?

Ha…maybe the same reason we crave to bad things. We crave to quench that appetite for the things we don’t need. For things that can hurt us.

I wrote stories because I was in control. I could do whatever I wanted and keep bad from happening to me. Even tho bad things did happen to my characters I could still help them. I could be like God for lack of a better example. I could watch them grow and fix the personalities. They became real to me.

But I knew they weren’t. When I looked at my friend, my mind’s eye saw them there. But they were just… not there. I couldn’t see them bc they didn’t exist.

I was so concerned with the problems of the characters and my “friends” that I lost some of the best years of my life.

I could’ve spent time with my family. I could’ve played dolls with my sister. I could’ve been a better example.

I hate 2020 hindsight.

I don’t know what to do with my life.

I’m changing. I don’t know what I want to do…

Is it really my dream? To be a teacher? To write? To be with animals?

What is my dream?

I thought I knew.

I feel so lost.

*sigh*

I gotta stop staying up so late…

I'm trying to break it down.

I'm trying to be who I can be.

I went on an adventure today. Katherine and Perla went with me to the temple. They wore their church clothes and I wore jeans. I brought a blanket and we sat on the temple steps and just talked. We shared the blanket. It was really cold. We were able to look out over the city er town of Logan and the mountains beyond. They were so pretty.

We didn't stay long. We liked being warm and Perla needed to go to the library. On our way to the bus stop, we ran into some Spanish speaking sisters. They were just finishing up a baptism session. We got a ride to the library.

It was a fun library. Very cool kinda like a maze. I really liked it there. We then walked back to the transit center and got on the CVN to get back to the school.

But it turns out none of us can read very well. ^_^ We found out as we went further south that we were on the CVS route. We were then carted along on the bus all the way to Hyrum and back. It was fun nonetheless.

We did finally get back to the school and home. It was a really fun afternoon.

Before hand we had all gone to the church to clean the building. That was fun. Till i dropped a mobile trashcan on my foot. I seriously thought I broke my toe, but as of 11:45 pm, it is still white so it's not broken. :) Yea!! for no broken toes! I don't like braking things.

lol .....

I really hope I can figure this out...

I don't know what I really want to do. At least I'm not surprised about all this.

Someone did tell me that freshman change their minds about 2.7 times on average about their majors. Yeah, thanks Lyons, you're percentages make tons of sense. *rolls eyes*

Holy Cow!!!!

Soo...... I finished reading Sorcerers and Seers by Chris Heimerdinger. I absolutely loved it!!! Even though I was very much peeved by the story line. I did love it!!

So yeah Mom, you and I will talk!!

Okay so I read Chris's blog and he said we could email him if we had specific questions on the book.

WARNING WARNING SPOILER AHEAD SPOILER AHEAD WARNING WARNING

So here is my email that I sent to Chris Heimgerdinger.

Chris Heimerdinger;

You love nothing more than confusing your readers don’t you? You know, you put more questions on paper than answers and I think you may have angered some of your readers. I know I was upset with Meagan, Micah, Ryan, Pagag, and Josh and Hamira. You definitely have a knack for confusing people. There were times when I was reading that I was yelling at you for the unexpected twists. But hey, that’s why I keep reading. I must say that my favorite books are stillTower of Thunder and Kingdoms and Conquers. I know if I tried to ask all the questions swirling in my head, this email would be a lot longer and probably fry the memory of your inbox. So how about an overall question: Is Thorns of Glory going to give some answers behind all these things you keep mentioning? Like this random boy that Gid knows? And Apollus telling the reader to have faith and believe? And how the heck (or if at all) Pagag will find the rest of the group?

See? There I go with some questions. The point of this letter is not to yell at you or to bombard you with questions (which I have so far failed at) but to commend you for yet another brilliant piece of literature. They always have me coming back for more. For an author to make the characters so believable that they share the emotions and experiences with them is a great accomplishment. I have been trying to write myself, but I can’t seem to create characters that are different from me. It’s silly, but all my heroes so far are too much like me. I have been getting better but it has been difficult. I really enjoy how you can keep all the characters in check and keep them as individually distinct as possible. If I may embarrass my mother for a moment, hers and my favorite character would have to be Apollus. I love it when he sticks his foot in his mouth. I also love how you keep us guessing. There were only two incidents that I predicted happening in the book. But the rest was just one whip lash after another. Like Ryan’s unexpected trip home. I kept thinking “What?!.....What!?” But I’m okay now. Again, this is why I read books; to be surprised and entertained.

I also want to say that your film Passage to Zerehemlah was really neat! I loved the movie (and having Summer in it wasn’t bad either). When I found out you were writing a sequel to the book I was ecstatic. I am a sucker for sequels and probably too big of a fun of them. I am anxiously awaiting your next releases. Another question, will the sequel also be a movie? (I am trying to not ask questions, but they just keep coming.) I even got a few girls that are not members of the Church that want to see the movie. Maybe it’ll turn into part of a missionary experience. Fingers are crossed! Oh, and the soundtrack for the movie…I can’t get it out of my head. I’m constantly humming Sons of Fire or Whispered Visions. You’re really good. And I mean it. I sing in choir for institute and I used to for school. I love them! (Man! my descriptions are lame, but at least their straight forward.)

I’m half tempted to add smiley faces and lol. But for the sake of trying to sound like an adult here, I will refrain. Wow, random tangent. That’s probably my main weakeness when writing. I get off topic. I swear I used to have ADD as a kid.

But anyway, I digress. I will let you get back to your life and family. Just wanted to give you a shout out. Have fun at your book signings. If you hadn’t already signed my copy I’d go down to Ogden just to see you.

God Bless and Sustain,

Cortney Clawson

And I checked my email this morning to find his reply and I squealed!!

What a fun email! I loved it, and unfortunately, I love your frustration and questions and confusion. Is that cruel? Probably. But the truth is that all of your questions WILL be answered. Just be patient. (Like that'll ever happen.) And the wait will be worth it.

Thanks again.

Chris Heimerdinger

AHHHHHH!!!!!!

hehehehehe!!!!

So yeah I had a lot of fun listening and reading along to Sorcerers and Seers. It was amazing!!!!!!

ps idk what happened but try not to click on this. idk what will happen or where you will go. lol