10 Months???

Sheesh why do I even have a blog??
I don't know any more.

The past year has been so short a time but it's felt a world away. I'm just about to go to my last IWA activity. Institute Women's Assosication.

Yeah, it's all over. It seems I always get the tail end of everything before it changes.
Choir with Mr A. My young Women's medallion, the Young Women's Program! My RA went home after the first semester, last year.

It was a fun year. I only really appriciated this past semester. (Gave me a calling. That's what I get for not going to it.) I've made a lot of really good friends. We're even thinking about having a secret meeting every Thursday still. We'll keep in touch but I don't think we should go against the First Presidency on this one. xD

I'm glad it's over actually. Gives me time to focus on my ward. I have a calling that I haven't really quite figured out just yet. The Bishop called me to be Compassionate Service Leader. I have a committee! (that I still need to get together) and I'm really excited for the stuff I have in my head that I want to do.

There's nothing huge planned because I have been busy. Busy looking busy, really. But we'll start off small and then go big, before the year is out. I'm glad IWA is over because the RS's (yeah there's two! lol) need to step it up and involve everyone in the ward. We need to have monthly activities. Not huge extravaganzas; just something that will help the girls get to know each other and make lasting friendships. Cause, isn't that what college is about? Part of it is just making friends so that when you feel like you're going to crash and burn, you have someone you can look to. Someone to lift you up.

I wish I had that. I have one friend that tells me I can talk him about anything, but girls gotta have girls to talk to too. I wish I had what Britt and Danni have. I wish I had it with Ashley. I feel so horrid about that. About not being there when she needed me to be. Part of it was my own fault. I was busy looking busy and on the stupid computer like I am now. And, honestly, another part was I had no idea when she needed me. She wouldn't tell me.
Did you know I have only ever seen my sister cry once? When I went home for Christmas last year. That was the first time since she was like seven that I had ever seen her cry.

I wish I knew how to talk to people better. I have such a way with words when It's coming from my hands. Just not my lips. It takes me forever to convince myself to just say something. I'm getting better. Gave my number to a guy I've been starting to like. :)

I know I have it in me. But I just don't know how to use it.

I'm just rambling now, there's really no plot rhyme or reason any more. Just my thoughts and feelings. This is really more a journal than anything else.

Was talking to Laura yesterday. She said she hasn't written anything except journal entries in six months. I've been writing something for close to that. HA. No, correction. Exactly or a more than that.

I am terrified. By school, by what my grades will be, whether or not I'm on track to be able to do anything with my life. I've only ever really had one plan. Go to college. Write to some missionaries. Meet a nice RM, date him, marry him, be a stay at home mom. How many have I done? Partially the first. Haven't actually sent out any of the second. I'm sacred of being alone, so I keep to myself.

If you can explain this to me I'll give you any ice cream of your choice. ;)

I don't know where I'm headed. I'm taking it a day at a time. Just one foot in front of the other. Had a good conversation with my Visiting Teachers. Krystal said that we don't have to get everything done all at once. We just need to take baby steps.
Line upon line. I wish I could. Am I too prideful? or do I not have enough humility? Why can't I ask for help? Why do I feel like I have to suffer through everything? Why can't I find that reliance on the Lord? I want to trust in Him, Lean on Him, but I don't really understand how to.

I'm so stubborn. I let myself fall through the cracks if I don't know how to do something. There's a song that expresses it well,
Are you scared of the end?
Are you scared to begin?
Are you scared of the start?
Do you think they'll break your heart?

To live when you feel like dying?
To laugh when you feel like crying?
To mend when you’re think you’re breaking
To strength when you know you’re shaking
To pray when your back's against the wall?

It's just fear after all...it's only fear after all.
The only fear is fear itself.

Great song by the way. Gets you thinking.

I wish I could learn to be more out going. I can be so socially awkward. I like to type or write out my words because it just comes so much easier when you can edit. You aren't afraid to write out your thoughts. If I'm alone I'll talk till my mouth is dry. If I'm in front of people I know, it's only slightly restricted. And the less I know someone the more I clam up.

My friend thinks I need a boy friend to de-stress life. HA! I don't know anyone enough to like them like that. He says I need to be more out going, kick 'em in the shin to get their attention.

Since when did I de-evolve to third grade?

*Sigh* I just need a friend. Someone I can talk to who won't mind talking about anything. What's on my mind, what should be, what's going on in my life. But then again, life get's busy. Life gets strained. Do I have time? Yes. Do I make time? No. I'll be honest.

I'm so glad I'm taking a Life and Career Planning Class next semester. Ugh. I need Christmas Break. I'm just too worn out.

I need tonight to. IWA is having our last activity. Breakfast for Dinner and White Elephant Presents. Nice ones. Not the creepy "who brought the plunger?" presents.
This is going to be fun.
See? I'm doing okay. Just need to talk myself out of my slumps.
LOVE YA ALL!! Till next time!
Cort!

New Beginnings

I cannot say enough how much I wish I had been there. To ball my eyes out. To hug her as tightly as I could. To tell her to her face that I loved her and I was so happy for her. To try and catch a tear or two from her eye. But I'm with her in spirit. I'm so excited for her I tell anyone I can. I've told countless people about this special day and how happy and excited I was. I re-read some of her words in her transition from her old life to this new one.

I remembered how sad she seemed. How angry at everything she seemed to be. Angry at herself, the world, and sometimes at family. She felt lost or at least that's what I felt through her.

Now, I'm not going to take credit. (If I didn't I'm pretty sure I would experience a very humbling catastrophe to bring myself back down) I never really understood why we did so much missionary work as members of the Church. I just helped almost blindly. Sharing my testimony halfheartedly. Until I actually started to think about the other person. Thinking about how much it would change their lives. How much peace they would find and how happy it would make them. I gave that method of trying to preach their ears off. I gave up trying so hard. I just became their friends. I loved them for who they were and not because I wanted to baptize them. (If they ended up doing it, that's just a bonus:))

No. Being baptized because you want it, isn't just a bonus. It's something you can hold onto. It's a guiding light and comfort that doesn't go away. If it does feel like it's fleeing it's because you are. I've come to know that it's not the Spirit that leaves when you are doing something you shouldn't. It's You. It's ME that leaves the Spirit behind. I love the Armor of God analogy. When you go into a bad place or situation "they" ask you to leave your Sword of the Spirit outside. And by the time you're stuck in the middle of it all, all your armor gone too. And you're right in line of enemy fire. Once your stuck, the good thing is, you can always find your way back. There is always a way to repent and get all your armor back. You're never past the point of no return.

Being baptized changes the way you feel. You have duty and a purpose. You feel needed and important. I wanted her to feel that. To feel how much love she could feel from our Father. How much He loved her and wanted her to come home to His kingdom. I talked with her for almost five years now. Mostly it was writing. But then we opened to each other (me more than her) and I was able to share my feelings and my beliefs. She came to live in Mesa for about six months during my senior year. She came to church and to mutual. She must've felt something. Because she started finding out for herself what she wanted and needed.

It takes a long time for seeds to grow. That's something I didn't figure out till I was much older. I love her so much. She's always been more than a cousin to me. A sister even.

I hope you continue to grow. I was born into it and I'm still learning. When you feel prompted follow those thoughts and feelings. The Lord will never steer you into a place that you don't belong. Keep the Spirit close. Tomorrow he'll be with you forever. He'll help you whenever you call on His name. He will never leave you comfortless. I love you so much. And I'm so happy for you.

Cortney