What...?

Stream of consciousness has now taken over. Random thoughts are just flooding my head.

I don't know why I feel like I'm falling. Maybe it's b/c I'm hungry? We haven't had dinner. Music plays through my head. The song I think I heard was Better as a Memory. Kenny Chesney. I get lost in music. Someone once said to get lost in music was the first symptom for schizophrenia. I don't know if they're right. I think I heard it on the bus from someone.

I feel shame. I feel like I'm failing. I thought I was ready for college. But it just seems like I was doomed from the start. I didn't know what I was getting into. I still don't. Why does my brain and heart refuse to process that I have to make some changes?? Why can't I get it? I'm going to be 19 on sunday! When am I going to grow up!? Why is it so dang fudging hard?!?!?

I;m falling apart.

Why can't I feel that anymore? Why can't I feel the light? Have I so desensitized myself? When I'm with others I can go to church I can be a good person. But when I'm alone...I feel like I'm going to fall. I've never felt so alone...

So far away...

I was always far away at home. Stupid obsession with the computer and games and stories.

What's happening to me?...

Cousins...

I try to *bounce* not block out *bounce* Ethan and Drew. *bounce* It's not nice to *bounce* ignore them.

Drew likes to bounce on the bed. -_- yeah.

^-^ Nah, I love being at Steve's house. The boys are so entertaining and I don't mind noise. I miss the kids back home. It's reminiscent of Joey and Kenzie. I've been doing a lot of Skype with the little kids and they love it. Mom and Dad like it too from what I can tell. xD

School is kicking me hard. I'm trying to keep up. I don't understand how I could be good in High School. Really good! and then just flop like a fish out of water at USU!! I am starting to loose confidence in myself.

Especially after I changed my major. Yep. I changed it. And now I gotta start over. sigh....

I'm finding it harder and harder to get stuff done. I'm working on getting a time table together. (yeah I know....Way too late for that, Cort.)

This weekend has been a wonderful relief and torture at the same time. Some of my teachers want assignments right after we get back from Thanksgiving break. I'm gonna fail college.

MEH!! Happy topics before I lose my audience! (um...what audience?) Shut it!

Moving on.....

I started making a mosaic on Thanksgiving at Rachel's mom's house. It was pretty fun cutting glass and finding the perfect stuff for my piece. Can't wait to get pics of it on here soon.

It's been a good vacation. Thanksgiving wasn't nearly as big or fun as back home but you have to adjust and go with what you're given. It's been strange living without my family. I'm finding out just how much I leaned on my family. How much I leaned on their strength and faith. I'm trying every single day to read and pray and go by priority. But I'm finding it harder and harder to do.

I'm scared to death. I feel like I'm losing myself. I'm losing interest in the things I used to have such a need for. I'm changing. For the better I hope. My challenges are new and so I need new techniques. It'll be hard to find those. /:( But I just need to turn to my source of light and strength. I miss having the priesthood in my home so much. I just got my home teachers' number and was going to call them but then the break started. I haven't met my home teachers. I finally met (formally) my visiting teachers. They're very nice. Jericha is a hoot and Ally's really sweet.

Gosh I miss you guys. I had to stay busy on Thanksgiving. I was having a blast with Ethan and Drew.

Music.....Oi

I'm so not liking this.

My neighbors are loud.

But that's because they are from the DR

The Dominican Republic. It's their culture to be loud and happy and party with friends and family.

I'm not too happy about the music. It's coming through the wall and some of it swears. I'm not liking that part at all.

I don't want to a huge deal about it AGAIN.

Several people complained about the volume and to make it short and not a issue, someone got very upset.

So here I sit instead of sleeping. Because they are enjoying their weekend. I don't mind the fact that they are having fun. It's just level of sound.

Oh.....bugger. I may get some sleep tonight. I don't know.

Why I Write

This is my world. I made it because I was scared of the one I was living in. I was scared…

I wrote stories so that I could leave the world I lived in behind. I didn’t want to know of the tragedies or the wars or the evil. I wanted to be at peace. But somehow peace equaled being alone.

I hate being alone.

So why did I crave it?

Ha…maybe the same reason we crave to bad things. We crave to quench that appetite for the things we don’t need. For things that can hurt us.

I wrote stories because I was in control. I could do whatever I wanted and keep bad from happening to me. Even tho bad things did happen to my characters I could still help them. I could be like God for lack of a better example. I could watch them grow and fix the personalities. They became real to me.

But I knew they weren’t. When I looked at my friend, my mind’s eye saw them there. But they were just… not there. I couldn’t see them bc they didn’t exist.

I was so concerned with the problems of the characters and my “friends” that I lost some of the best years of my life.

I could’ve spent time with my family. I could’ve played dolls with my sister. I could’ve been a better example.

I hate 2020 hindsight.

I don’t know what to do with my life.

I’m changing. I don’t know what I want to do…

Is it really my dream? To be a teacher? To write? To be with animals?

What is my dream?

I thought I knew.

I feel so lost.

*sigh*

I gotta stop staying up so late…

I'm trying to break it down.

I'm trying to be who I can be.

I went on an adventure today. Katherine and Perla went with me to the temple. They wore their church clothes and I wore jeans. I brought a blanket and we sat on the temple steps and just talked. We shared the blanket. It was really cold. We were able to look out over the city er town of Logan and the mountains beyond. They were so pretty.

We didn't stay long. We liked being warm and Perla needed to go to the library. On our way to the bus stop, we ran into some Spanish speaking sisters. They were just finishing up a baptism session. We got a ride to the library.

It was a fun library. Very cool kinda like a maze. I really liked it there. We then walked back to the transit center and got on the CVN to get back to the school.

But it turns out none of us can read very well. ^_^ We found out as we went further south that we were on the CVS route. We were then carted along on the bus all the way to Hyrum and back. It was fun nonetheless.

We did finally get back to the school and home. It was a really fun afternoon.

Before hand we had all gone to the church to clean the building. That was fun. Till i dropped a mobile trashcan on my foot. I seriously thought I broke my toe, but as of 11:45 pm, it is still white so it's not broken. :) Yea!! for no broken toes! I don't like braking things.

lol .....

I really hope I can figure this out...

I don't know what I really want to do. At least I'm not surprised about all this.

Someone did tell me that freshman change their minds about 2.7 times on average about their majors. Yeah, thanks Lyons, you're percentages make tons of sense. *rolls eyes*