I don't know why I feel like I'm falling. Maybe it's b/c I'm hungry? We haven't had dinner. Music plays through my head. The song I think I heard was Better as a Memory. Kenny Chesney. I get lost in music. Someone once said to get lost in music was the first symptom for schizophrenia. I don't know if they're right. I think I heard it on the bus from someone.
I feel shame. I feel like I'm failing. I thought I was ready for college. But it just seems like I was doomed from the start. I didn't know what I was getting into. I still don't. Why does my brain and heart refuse to process that I have to make some changes?? Why can't I get it? I'm going to be 19 on sunday! When am I going to grow up!? Why is it so dang fudging hard?!?!?
I;m falling apart.
Why can't I feel that anymore? Why can't I feel the light? Have I so desensitized myself? When I'm with others I can go to church I can be a good person. But when I'm alone...I feel like I'm going to fall. I've never felt so alone...
So far away...
I was always far away at home. Stupid obsession with the computer and games and stories.
What's happening to me?...
You know I love you and I worry about you. But you know where to turn when things seem beyond your control. You've always known. Don't doubt yourself. Dont doubt what we taught you or that you cannot succeed. You can. You will. I know it. I have faith in it. I have faith in you. I wish we were closer so I could tell you this face to face but always know this: You are doing the right thing. Pray for guidance. He will not let you down. The answers may not be what you want but they are best for you.
ReplyDeleteNothing is changing here. Not really. YOu are missed so much and you will always be but we are never far away. I love you but Heavely Father loves you so much more so lean on that.