10 Months???

Sheesh why do I even have a blog??
I don't know any more.

The past year has been so short a time but it's felt a world away. I'm just about to go to my last IWA activity. Institute Women's Assosication.

Yeah, it's all over. It seems I always get the tail end of everything before it changes.
Choir with Mr A. My young Women's medallion, the Young Women's Program! My RA went home after the first semester, last year.

It was a fun year. I only really appriciated this past semester. (Gave me a calling. That's what I get for not going to it.) I've made a lot of really good friends. We're even thinking about having a secret meeting every Thursday still. We'll keep in touch but I don't think we should go against the First Presidency on this one. xD

I'm glad it's over actually. Gives me time to focus on my ward. I have a calling that I haven't really quite figured out just yet. The Bishop called me to be Compassionate Service Leader. I have a committee! (that I still need to get together) and I'm really excited for the stuff I have in my head that I want to do.

There's nothing huge planned because I have been busy. Busy looking busy, really. But we'll start off small and then go big, before the year is out. I'm glad IWA is over because the RS's (yeah there's two! lol) need to step it up and involve everyone in the ward. We need to have monthly activities. Not huge extravaganzas; just something that will help the girls get to know each other and make lasting friendships. Cause, isn't that what college is about? Part of it is just making friends so that when you feel like you're going to crash and burn, you have someone you can look to. Someone to lift you up.

I wish I had that. I have one friend that tells me I can talk him about anything, but girls gotta have girls to talk to too. I wish I had what Britt and Danni have. I wish I had it with Ashley. I feel so horrid about that. About not being there when she needed me to be. Part of it was my own fault. I was busy looking busy and on the stupid computer like I am now. And, honestly, another part was I had no idea when she needed me. She wouldn't tell me.
Did you know I have only ever seen my sister cry once? When I went home for Christmas last year. That was the first time since she was like seven that I had ever seen her cry.

I wish I knew how to talk to people better. I have such a way with words when It's coming from my hands. Just not my lips. It takes me forever to convince myself to just say something. I'm getting better. Gave my number to a guy I've been starting to like. :)

I know I have it in me. But I just don't know how to use it.

I'm just rambling now, there's really no plot rhyme or reason any more. Just my thoughts and feelings. This is really more a journal than anything else.

Was talking to Laura yesterday. She said she hasn't written anything except journal entries in six months. I've been writing something for close to that. HA. No, correction. Exactly or a more than that.

I am terrified. By school, by what my grades will be, whether or not I'm on track to be able to do anything with my life. I've only ever really had one plan. Go to college. Write to some missionaries. Meet a nice RM, date him, marry him, be a stay at home mom. How many have I done? Partially the first. Haven't actually sent out any of the second. I'm sacred of being alone, so I keep to myself.

If you can explain this to me I'll give you any ice cream of your choice. ;)

I don't know where I'm headed. I'm taking it a day at a time. Just one foot in front of the other. Had a good conversation with my Visiting Teachers. Krystal said that we don't have to get everything done all at once. We just need to take baby steps.
Line upon line. I wish I could. Am I too prideful? or do I not have enough humility? Why can't I ask for help? Why do I feel like I have to suffer through everything? Why can't I find that reliance on the Lord? I want to trust in Him, Lean on Him, but I don't really understand how to.

I'm so stubborn. I let myself fall through the cracks if I don't know how to do something. There's a song that expresses it well,
Are you scared of the end?
Are you scared to begin?
Are you scared of the start?
Do you think they'll break your heart?

To live when you feel like dying?
To laugh when you feel like crying?
To mend when you’re think you’re breaking
To strength when you know you’re shaking
To pray when your back's against the wall?

It's just fear after all...it's only fear after all.
The only fear is fear itself.

Great song by the way. Gets you thinking.

I wish I could learn to be more out going. I can be so socially awkward. I like to type or write out my words because it just comes so much easier when you can edit. You aren't afraid to write out your thoughts. If I'm alone I'll talk till my mouth is dry. If I'm in front of people I know, it's only slightly restricted. And the less I know someone the more I clam up.

My friend thinks I need a boy friend to de-stress life. HA! I don't know anyone enough to like them like that. He says I need to be more out going, kick 'em in the shin to get their attention.

Since when did I de-evolve to third grade?

*Sigh* I just need a friend. Someone I can talk to who won't mind talking about anything. What's on my mind, what should be, what's going on in my life. But then again, life get's busy. Life gets strained. Do I have time? Yes. Do I make time? No. I'll be honest.

I'm so glad I'm taking a Life and Career Planning Class next semester. Ugh. I need Christmas Break. I'm just too worn out.

I need tonight to. IWA is having our last activity. Breakfast for Dinner and White Elephant Presents. Nice ones. Not the creepy "who brought the plunger?" presents.
This is going to be fun.
See? I'm doing okay. Just need to talk myself out of my slumps.
LOVE YA ALL!! Till next time!
Cort!

New Beginnings

I cannot say enough how much I wish I had been there. To ball my eyes out. To hug her as tightly as I could. To tell her to her face that I loved her and I was so happy for her. To try and catch a tear or two from her eye. But I'm with her in spirit. I'm so excited for her I tell anyone I can. I've told countless people about this special day and how happy and excited I was. I re-read some of her words in her transition from her old life to this new one.

I remembered how sad she seemed. How angry at everything she seemed to be. Angry at herself, the world, and sometimes at family. She felt lost or at least that's what I felt through her.

Now, I'm not going to take credit. (If I didn't I'm pretty sure I would experience a very humbling catastrophe to bring myself back down) I never really understood why we did so much missionary work as members of the Church. I just helped almost blindly. Sharing my testimony halfheartedly. Until I actually started to think about the other person. Thinking about how much it would change their lives. How much peace they would find and how happy it would make them. I gave that method of trying to preach their ears off. I gave up trying so hard. I just became their friends. I loved them for who they were and not because I wanted to baptize them. (If they ended up doing it, that's just a bonus:))

No. Being baptized because you want it, isn't just a bonus. It's something you can hold onto. It's a guiding light and comfort that doesn't go away. If it does feel like it's fleeing it's because you are. I've come to know that it's not the Spirit that leaves when you are doing something you shouldn't. It's You. It's ME that leaves the Spirit behind. I love the Armor of God analogy. When you go into a bad place or situation "they" ask you to leave your Sword of the Spirit outside. And by the time you're stuck in the middle of it all, all your armor gone too. And you're right in line of enemy fire. Once your stuck, the good thing is, you can always find your way back. There is always a way to repent and get all your armor back. You're never past the point of no return.

Being baptized changes the way you feel. You have duty and a purpose. You feel needed and important. I wanted her to feel that. To feel how much love she could feel from our Father. How much He loved her and wanted her to come home to His kingdom. I talked with her for almost five years now. Mostly it was writing. But then we opened to each other (me more than her) and I was able to share my feelings and my beliefs. She came to live in Mesa for about six months during my senior year. She came to church and to mutual. She must've felt something. Because she started finding out for herself what she wanted and needed.

It takes a long time for seeds to grow. That's something I didn't figure out till I was much older. I love her so much. She's always been more than a cousin to me. A sister even.

I hope you continue to grow. I was born into it and I'm still learning. When you feel prompted follow those thoughts and feelings. The Lord will never steer you into a place that you don't belong. Keep the Spirit close. Tomorrow he'll be with you forever. He'll help you whenever you call on His name. He will never leave you comfortless. I love you so much. And I'm so happy for you.

Cortney

Going thru Junk

I found a very intersting poem in my files of paper that I brought with me to USU.

(I will admit now I'm not too happy about some of the the stuff I brought with me. I didn't grab the stuff I was still working on!! Grr.)

Anyway on to the poem. And don't worry about the emotions flying thru it. It was while ago.

Someone Like You

Some days I just wish

For my wings to Spread and Fly

But so many people look at me and wonder why?

They don’t see my life

My fake smile to get thru the day

Sure I have friends and I socialize

Sometimes I lived thru their lives

But I watch too many movies

I know too many lines

Too many Stories run thru my head

So much so I toss and turn in my bed

I need someone to help me

Someone to talk to about boys and school

Someone to joke with when the boss is being cruel

Someone to dry my tears

Someone to laugh with

Someone I can turn to when all I have is fears

I need a best friend more than you know

It’s not as apparent as the white of the snow

It may seem I’m on high ground from where you stand

But the grass is always greener than sand

I need a friend

The stories I write are all good and fun

But when I open my eyes the story is done

The creatures I’ve made have all gone away

I have my friend, my world no more

Life goes on as life must do

Friends move away

I get a new hairdo

Duos and Trios all in a line

Best Friends surround me

When will I have mine?

When will the sky stop falling down?

When will open my mouth and speak?

Will I ever be strong enough to wear the crown?

Why do I think so much? How can I stop the week?

I need someone to help me

Someone to talk to about boys and school

Someone to joke with when the boss is being cruel

Someone to dry my tears

Someone to laugh with

Someone I can turn to when all I have is fears

I need a best friend more than you know

It’s not as apparent as the white of the snow

It may seem I’m on high ground from where you stand

But the grass is always greener than sand

I need a friend

Life speeds by

Friends leave me alone

I’ve learned that too many times

I’ve closed my heart to those feelings of love

I’ve pulled away I can’t open up

I’ve shut the door but my heart won’t lock it

I need someone with the key to set me free

Someone much stronger than me

Someone to help me break down my wall

Someone to tell me I can have it all

Someone to talk to, to bond with, to share

Someone to save me from myself

I need someone to help me

Someone to talk to about boys and school

Someone to joke with when the boss is being cruel

You dry my tears

You laugh with me

I can turn to you when all I have is fears

I need a best friend more than you know

It’s not as apparent as the white of the snow

It may seem I’m on high ground from where you stand

But the grass is always greener than sand

I need a friend

Maybe someone like you.

Yeah!! I tried to rhyme!! woot! Try and sort of fall apart but. Yeah. It's moody. But that was then. THIS IS NOW!!

Christmas is coming!!! I'm soooo psyched!!!! Finals are looming and I feel like I'm drowning in the stress of it all. I've stopped struggling against it; now I'm just floating along. I will deal with it when it happens. I will do my best and study in the meantime.

Wish me luck!!

What...?

Stream of consciousness has now taken over. Random thoughts are just flooding my head.

I don't know why I feel like I'm falling. Maybe it's b/c I'm hungry? We haven't had dinner. Music plays through my head. The song I think I heard was Better as a Memory. Kenny Chesney. I get lost in music. Someone once said to get lost in music was the first symptom for schizophrenia. I don't know if they're right. I think I heard it on the bus from someone.

I feel shame. I feel like I'm failing. I thought I was ready for college. But it just seems like I was doomed from the start. I didn't know what I was getting into. I still don't. Why does my brain and heart refuse to process that I have to make some changes?? Why can't I get it? I'm going to be 19 on sunday! When am I going to grow up!? Why is it so dang fudging hard?!?!?

I;m falling apart.

Why can't I feel that anymore? Why can't I feel the light? Have I so desensitized myself? When I'm with others I can go to church I can be a good person. But when I'm alone...I feel like I'm going to fall. I've never felt so alone...

So far away...

I was always far away at home. Stupid obsession with the computer and games and stories.

What's happening to me?...

Cousins...

I try to *bounce* not block out *bounce* Ethan and Drew. *bounce* It's not nice to *bounce* ignore them.

Drew likes to bounce on the bed. -_- yeah.

^-^ Nah, I love being at Steve's house. The boys are so entertaining and I don't mind noise. I miss the kids back home. It's reminiscent of Joey and Kenzie. I've been doing a lot of Skype with the little kids and they love it. Mom and Dad like it too from what I can tell. xD

School is kicking me hard. I'm trying to keep up. I don't understand how I could be good in High School. Really good! and then just flop like a fish out of water at USU!! I am starting to loose confidence in myself.

Especially after I changed my major. Yep. I changed it. And now I gotta start over. sigh....

I'm finding it harder and harder to get stuff done. I'm working on getting a time table together. (yeah I know....Way too late for that, Cort.)

This weekend has been a wonderful relief and torture at the same time. Some of my teachers want assignments right after we get back from Thanksgiving break. I'm gonna fail college.

MEH!! Happy topics before I lose my audience! (um...what audience?) Shut it!

Moving on.....

I started making a mosaic on Thanksgiving at Rachel's mom's house. It was pretty fun cutting glass and finding the perfect stuff for my piece. Can't wait to get pics of it on here soon.

It's been a good vacation. Thanksgiving wasn't nearly as big or fun as back home but you have to adjust and go with what you're given. It's been strange living without my family. I'm finding out just how much I leaned on my family. How much I leaned on their strength and faith. I'm trying every single day to read and pray and go by priority. But I'm finding it harder and harder to do.

I'm scared to death. I feel like I'm losing myself. I'm losing interest in the things I used to have such a need for. I'm changing. For the better I hope. My challenges are new and so I need new techniques. It'll be hard to find those. /:( But I just need to turn to my source of light and strength. I miss having the priesthood in my home so much. I just got my home teachers' number and was going to call them but then the break started. I haven't met my home teachers. I finally met (formally) my visiting teachers. They're very nice. Jericha is a hoot and Ally's really sweet.

Gosh I miss you guys. I had to stay busy on Thanksgiving. I was having a blast with Ethan and Drew.

Music.....Oi

I'm so not liking this.

My neighbors are loud.

But that's because they are from the DR

The Dominican Republic. It's their culture to be loud and happy and party with friends and family.

I'm not too happy about the music. It's coming through the wall and some of it swears. I'm not liking that part at all.

I don't want to a huge deal about it AGAIN.

Several people complained about the volume and to make it short and not a issue, someone got very upset.

So here I sit instead of sleeping. Because they are enjoying their weekend. I don't mind the fact that they are having fun. It's just level of sound.

Oh.....bugger. I may get some sleep tonight. I don't know.

Why I Write

This is my world. I made it because I was scared of the one I was living in. I was scared…

I wrote stories so that I could leave the world I lived in behind. I didn’t want to know of the tragedies or the wars or the evil. I wanted to be at peace. But somehow peace equaled being alone.

I hate being alone.

So why did I crave it?

Ha…maybe the same reason we crave to bad things. We crave to quench that appetite for the things we don’t need. For things that can hurt us.

I wrote stories because I was in control. I could do whatever I wanted and keep bad from happening to me. Even tho bad things did happen to my characters I could still help them. I could be like God for lack of a better example. I could watch them grow and fix the personalities. They became real to me.

But I knew they weren’t. When I looked at my friend, my mind’s eye saw them there. But they were just… not there. I couldn’t see them bc they didn’t exist.

I was so concerned with the problems of the characters and my “friends” that I lost some of the best years of my life.

I could’ve spent time with my family. I could’ve played dolls with my sister. I could’ve been a better example.

I hate 2020 hindsight.

I don’t know what to do with my life.

I’m changing. I don’t know what I want to do…

Is it really my dream? To be a teacher? To write? To be with animals?

What is my dream?

I thought I knew.

I feel so lost.

*sigh*

I gotta stop staying up so late…

I'm trying to break it down.

I'm trying to be who I can be.

I went on an adventure today. Katherine and Perla went with me to the temple. They wore their church clothes and I wore jeans. I brought a blanket and we sat on the temple steps and just talked. We shared the blanket. It was really cold. We were able to look out over the city er town of Logan and the mountains beyond. They were so pretty.

We didn't stay long. We liked being warm and Perla needed to go to the library. On our way to the bus stop, we ran into some Spanish speaking sisters. They were just finishing up a baptism session. We got a ride to the library.

It was a fun library. Very cool kinda like a maze. I really liked it there. We then walked back to the transit center and got on the CVN to get back to the school.

But it turns out none of us can read very well. ^_^ We found out as we went further south that we were on the CVS route. We were then carted along on the bus all the way to Hyrum and back. It was fun nonetheless.

We did finally get back to the school and home. It was a really fun afternoon.

Before hand we had all gone to the church to clean the building. That was fun. Till i dropped a mobile trashcan on my foot. I seriously thought I broke my toe, but as of 11:45 pm, it is still white so it's not broken. :) Yea!! for no broken toes! I don't like braking things.

lol .....

I really hope I can figure this out...

I don't know what I really want to do. At least I'm not surprised about all this.

Someone did tell me that freshman change their minds about 2.7 times on average about their majors. Yeah, thanks Lyons, you're percentages make tons of sense. *rolls eyes*