New Beginnings

I cannot say enough how much I wish I had been there. To ball my eyes out. To hug her as tightly as I could. To tell her to her face that I loved her and I was so happy for her. To try and catch a tear or two from her eye. But I'm with her in spirit. I'm so excited for her I tell anyone I can. I've told countless people about this special day and how happy and excited I was. I re-read some of her words in her transition from her old life to this new one.

I remembered how sad she seemed. How angry at everything she seemed to be. Angry at herself, the world, and sometimes at family. She felt lost or at least that's what I felt through her.

Now, I'm not going to take credit. (If I didn't I'm pretty sure I would experience a very humbling catastrophe to bring myself back down) I never really understood why we did so much missionary work as members of the Church. I just helped almost blindly. Sharing my testimony halfheartedly. Until I actually started to think about the other person. Thinking about how much it would change their lives. How much peace they would find and how happy it would make them. I gave that method of trying to preach their ears off. I gave up trying so hard. I just became their friends. I loved them for who they were and not because I wanted to baptize them. (If they ended up doing it, that's just a bonus:))

No. Being baptized because you want it, isn't just a bonus. It's something you can hold onto. It's a guiding light and comfort that doesn't go away. If it does feel like it's fleeing it's because you are. I've come to know that it's not the Spirit that leaves when you are doing something you shouldn't. It's You. It's ME that leaves the Spirit behind. I love the Armor of God analogy. When you go into a bad place or situation "they" ask you to leave your Sword of the Spirit outside. And by the time you're stuck in the middle of it all, all your armor gone too. And you're right in line of enemy fire. Once your stuck, the good thing is, you can always find your way back. There is always a way to repent and get all your armor back. You're never past the point of no return.

Being baptized changes the way you feel. You have duty and a purpose. You feel needed and important. I wanted her to feel that. To feel how much love she could feel from our Father. How much He loved her and wanted her to come home to His kingdom. I talked with her for almost five years now. Mostly it was writing. But then we opened to each other (me more than her) and I was able to share my feelings and my beliefs. She came to live in Mesa for about six months during my senior year. She came to church and to mutual. She must've felt something. Because she started finding out for herself what she wanted and needed.

It takes a long time for seeds to grow. That's something I didn't figure out till I was much older. I love her so much. She's always been more than a cousin to me. A sister even.

I hope you continue to grow. I was born into it and I'm still learning. When you feel prompted follow those thoughts and feelings. The Lord will never steer you into a place that you don't belong. Keep the Spirit close. Tomorrow he'll be with you forever. He'll help you whenever you call on His name. He will never leave you comfortless. I love you so much. And I'm so happy for you.

Cortney